I just got a new phone and can't log into my Google account anymore. Being that I've ha...

GetHuman-wewerewr's customer service issue with Google from February 2019

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The issue in GetHuman-wewerewr's own words
I just got a new phone and can't log into my Google account anymore. Being that I've had the account for years, there is a lot of personal investment in it such as previous purchases and email notices. My password was changed almost a year ago so I forgot it by now (evidently). I have tried calling three different help lines but they all give the same response: "Try our account recovery page first." I figured "why would I be here if I hadn't tried that already?." It turns out that I can still access the account from my old laptop but I still cannot change relevant information without the old password. Even when I try to recover the account using my phone number, the "*-step verification" turns into a big fat lie because, get this, it doesn't even remotely work. I even created an account to try the email route to recovering it, to no avail.*Tldr: I've tried everything I can think of and it looks like Google is just going to run away with my hundreds of dollars of purchases.
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Google

Customer service issue
Reported by GetHuman-wewerewr
Feb 15th, 2019 - 8 mons ago
I have an issue with Google too
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Seen by 15 customers so far
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Items needed
Phone Number on Account
Account Number
Name of Account Holder
Date of Birth
Email on Account
Timeline
GetHuman-wewerewr started working on this issue
Feb 15th 9:38pm